On June 18-20 I attended, as part of my Madrikh training, a seminar in Detroit on Philosophic Guidance and Counseling. I'd like to tell you a little bit about this seminar to help you understand what the training entails. In brief, this seminar covers what other traditions would call "pastoral duties:"  working with families and individuals through  various joyful and sad  issues like weddings, baby-naming,  illness, divorce, death and dying, and child-rearing. The seminar was principally conducted by Peter Schweitzer, a Clinical Social Worker and a leader of New York's City Congregation of Secular Humanistic Judaism; Peter was formerly an ordained Reform Rabbi in Indianapolis.  Peter was assisted by Rabbi Sherwin Wine and by Marilyn Rowens, a Madrikah at the Birmingham Temple.

To varying degrees the Madrikhim and Madrikhot take on some or all of the life cycle responsibilities of rabbis, and these include counseling members of the congregations through critical life cycle events. The purpose of the seminar was to get us started with understanding what these situations may call for, and how secular humanistic Judaism provides a framework for  structuring and coming to terms with what life hands out to us. Since Stacy anointed us as the most technologically astute congregation in SHJ, I'll explore these issues here in a FAQ (a list of Frequently Asked Questions.).

1. What is the difference between philosophic guidance and counseling on one hand and therapy on the other?
As Madrikhim and Madrikhot we are not therapists. However there are many instances where it becomes necessary to interact with individuals or families on extremely sensitive issues.  If a couple chooses to come to the movement for  a wedding, for example, we have to know enough to work with them on understanding how the marriage stands as the next step in their relationship. In our movement in particular there may be additional issues involved interfaith (including where there are different Jewish beliefs represented) and interracial couples. Besides learning some of the territory that we'd have to negotiate in such cases, we also learned about our responsibilities as leaders to represent the principles of the community (both the Congregation and the wider community of Secular Humanistic Judaism).

2. What kinds of counseling are appropriate?
We may employ both directive and non-directive counseling. This is not therapy..  The function is to listen, to provide support, and to help people find a rational approach to the problem. "Rational" here refers to understanding and appreciating one's feelings and thoughts, without being bogged down by  what Sherwin calls "privileged premises." These are the "shoulds," some of them supernaturally based, that especially come out during times of stress and crisis.  However, there are times when the counselor must be directive. In particular, as representatives of the SHJ community there are moral principles that we will probably not bend on.

3. What are the basic techniques?
It's no surprise that the basic techniques are those of effective listening.  Dealing with people as individuals and not as categories; focusing on what they say, not how the listener reacts; validating the worth and dignity of the person and what the person believes, needs and wants, and responding with sympathy and understanding.  Also, of course, we would want to avoid judgements and affirm the right of the counseled to make their own choicest. And mostly, as Peter reminded us, it is our job to be the voice of calm.

4. What determines the goals of counseling?
As humanistic Jews we root all of our practice in the fundamental goals of human beings: survival, pleasure and dignity.

5. How can secular humanists help comfort the bereaved?
What we have to offer is the truth, beginning with the basic one: life is unfair.  We also of course offer sympathy and validation of grief.  Again (we were assured) appearing competent and calm during the interview of the bereaved can help the family.  We also spent considerable time discussing the content of the eulogy (a topic which is covered from a different perspective in the course on Life Cycles).  We were charged by all three faculty about the importance of making the eulogy truthful.  Not of course in any cruel way, but in a way that affirms all of the feelings and relationships between the family and the deceased, and  certainly in a way that recognizes the positive aspects.

6. How do secular humanists approach the choice of intermarriage?
By helping the couple articulate both the ways that they plan to approach the various issues of intermarriage and how they want to represent their traditions and those of their families in the ceremony.
 

7. How can secular humanists provide strength for the ill?
Of course, there's nothing that's really different between Madrikhim or Madrikhot and the advice that is generally given to family and friends.  Our secular humanist beliefs give us a basis for following this advice, which is to support the ill person with sympathy and attention, and to acknowledge their need for dignity with honesty and compassion. As secular humanists we serve a ill person best by affirming the unfairness of their situation, and by helping then to give up inappropriate feelings of guilt.. Sherwin points out that while we as individuals can't always control our pain, we can frequently control our suffering. By eliminating the false and destructive notions of whether suffering (or success) is the product of a universe that operates on fairness and justice, we can free the ill to draw on their own strength.

I know an attempt to summarize these issues in a short space, and in vague generalities, makes them sound trite. I have a longer version of this report if anyone cares to see it. We were lucky to have the experiences of the faculty and of members of the audience who had faced some of these situations in their own lives, or in clinical practice, to help us past the generalities to understanding how the role of philosophical counselor differs from that of therapist in practice, an how these principles can be applied in real situations to help members of the community survive painful experiences and create joyful ones.

Dennis Geller
August 1999